I love recruiters. No matter what you do to them, you don't feel bad.
> Dear Evil Otto,
>
> I came across your resume today on Monster.com and
> wanted to send you the following job description.
Unlikely. More likely is that Monster spat a bunch of
random email addresses from people who'd recently
updated their resumes at you.
>
> Are you a highly organized, self-motivated person?
No.
> Do you enjoy multi-tasking and dealing with people?
No, and fuck you.
> Do you have the self-discipline to work at home?
Not really, pass the Cheetos.
> Would you like to work for a smaller company that
> really cares about your success?
Pull the other one.
>
> If so, you might be perfect to become the Marketing
> Manager for StupidEducationRecruiters.fuk, the nation's
> premier teacher recruitment website.
Not so much. And who says you're the "premier" site?
Your marketing department?
In the role of
> Marketing Manager you will report directly to the
> CEO
Because I don't have enough pressure in my life as it
is.
and will be charged with implementing a
> marketing plan, teacher recruitment campaign and
> partnerships with national education associations.
*Parses grammar*
Segmentation fault, core dumped.
> In addition, you will manage the marketing team,
> including recruitment specialists, graphic designers
> and copywriters.
Swell. I'm sure that won't be like herding cats at
all. Add a couple prima donna creatives, a few empty
suits and some marketing slimeballs and you've got
yourself a party. I'd rather have my legs fed into a
wood chipper. Slowly. In a vat of alcohol. On fire.
In Hell.
>
> Requirements:
> -Degree in education, business, marketing or
> communications
Nope, nope, nope and nope. Again, read the fucking
resume.
I chose to study something of substance in college,
and didn't major in projectile vomiting, hazing, and
date rape.
> -at least five years of experience in marketing or
> public relations
Hello!! McFly!! READ THE GOD DAMN FUCKING RESUME YOU
PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A BOIL ON THE TAINT OF LIFE.
> -lives within three hours of New York City
Map. Read it. Massachusetts. Do the math.
>
> A successful person on our team has:
> -experience implementing marketing plans aimed to
> help companies accelerate their growth,
Nope.
> -experience in tradeshows and conferences,
Does the Adult Video News convention count?
> -strong computer skills, including the Internet,
> Excel and PowerPoint,
What kind of skill is "the Internet"?
> -the ability and desire to work from home,
Great, you're too cheap to have an office. And I'm
sure you're just falling all over yourselves to
reimburse me for my home expenses. After all, why buy
an office when you can make me buy my own workspace?
> -experience working in a virtual environment,
What the fuck does that mean?
> -experience in the field of education,
Um, I went to school, does that count?
> -experience in interactive marketing,
HEY YOU! BUY THIS! WHY NOT? FUCK YOU!
> -an IBM-compatible laptop computer (minimum 2.2GHz
> processor and 512MB RAM),
Buy it yourselves, you cheap fucks.
> -the ability to travel throughout the United States
> as necessary, and
As necessary. Meaning "all the fucking time". And
I'm sure they reimburse you for travel RIGHT AWAY...
what? they don't reimburse?
> -a high speed Internet connection (DSL or cable
> modem).
>
Gee, I have one, but it's busy pirating movies and
downloading horse pr0n.
> We are looking for someone who is highly motivated,
> persistent and personable.
I don't feel like it. I give up. Fuck you.
Compensation depends on
> qualifications and experience.
"Prepare to be insulted by the offer."
We also cover
> Internet, phone, travel, mailing expenses, and offer
> a competitive benefits package.
You "cover" a benefits package? What, you're a
journalist reporting on people who actually get these
benefits?
>
> Please email your cover letter, salary requirements
> and resume, with your name in the subject line, to
> jobs@StupidEducationRecruiters.fuk
>
> Thank you,
> Stupid Bitch
> Human Resources
> StupidEducationRecruiters.fuk
>
>
> I came across your resume today on Monster.com and
> wanted to send you the following job description.
Unlikely. More likely is that Monster spat a bunch of
random email addresses from people who'd recently
updated their resumes at you.
>
> Are you a highly organized, self-motivated person?
No.
> Do you enjoy multi-tasking and dealing with people?
No, and fuck you.
> Do you have the self-discipline to work at home?
Not really, pass the Cheetos.
> Would you like to work for a smaller company that
> really cares about your success?
Pull the other one.
>
> If so, you might be perfect to become the Marketing
> Manager for StupidEducationRecruiters.fuk, the nation's
> premier teacher recruitment website.
Not so much. And who says you're the "premier" site?
Your marketing department?
In the role of
> Marketing Manager you will report directly to the
> CEO
Because I don't have enough pressure in my life as it
is.
and will be charged with implementing a
> marketing plan, teacher recruitment campaign and
> partnerships with national education associations.
*Parses grammar*
Segmentation fault, core dumped.
> In addition, you will manage the marketing team,
> including recruitment specialists, graphic designers
> and copywriters.
Swell. I'm sure that won't be like herding cats at
all. Add a couple prima donna creatives, a few empty
suits and some marketing slimeballs and you've got
yourself a party. I'd rather have my legs fed into a
wood chipper. Slowly. In a vat of alcohol. On fire.
In Hell.
>
> Requirements:
> -Degree in education, business, marketing or
> communications
Nope, nope, nope and nope. Again, read the fucking
resume.
I chose to study something of substance in college,
and didn't major in projectile vomiting, hazing, and
date rape.
> -at least five years of experience in marketing or
> public relations
Hello!! McFly!! READ THE GOD DAMN FUCKING RESUME YOU
PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A BOIL ON THE TAINT OF LIFE.
> -lives within three hours of New York City
Map. Read it. Massachusetts. Do the math.
>
> A successful person on our team has:
> -experience implementing marketing plans aimed to
> help companies accelerate their growth,
Nope.
> -experience in tradeshows and conferences,
Does the Adult Video News convention count?
> -strong computer skills, including the Internet,
> Excel and PowerPoint,
What kind of skill is "the Internet"?
> -the ability and desire to work from home,
Great, you're too cheap to have an office. And I'm
sure you're just falling all over yourselves to
reimburse me for my home expenses. After all, why buy
an office when you can make me buy my own workspace?
> -experience working in a virtual environment,
What the fuck does that mean?
> -experience in the field of education,
Um, I went to school, does that count?
> -experience in interactive marketing,
HEY YOU! BUY THIS! WHY NOT? FUCK YOU!
> -an IBM-compatible laptop computer (minimum 2.2GHz
> processor and 512MB RAM),
Buy it yourselves, you cheap fucks.
> -the ability to travel throughout the United States
> as necessary, and
As necessary. Meaning "all the fucking time". And
I'm sure they reimburse you for travel RIGHT AWAY...
what? they don't reimburse?
> -a high speed Internet connection (DSL or cable
> modem).
>
Gee, I have one, but it's busy pirating movies and
downloading horse pr0n.
> We are looking for someone who is highly motivated,
> persistent and personable.
I don't feel like it. I give up. Fuck you.
Compensation depends on
> qualifications and experience.
"Prepare to be insulted by the offer."
We also cover
> Internet, phone, travel, mailing expenses, and offer
> a competitive benefits package.
You "cover" a benefits package? What, you're a
journalist reporting on people who actually get these
benefits?
>
> Please email your cover letter, salary requirements
> and resume, with your name in the subject line, to
> jobs@StupidEducationRecruiters.fuk
>
> Thank you,
> Stupid Bitch
> Human Resources
> StupidEducationRecruiters.fuk
>
posted by Zach Burnham at 11:56 PM (click for permalink)
1 Comments:
Thanks for the laughs -- that was great.
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