Hold on just one fucking minute.
I was ready to go topic by topic ridiculing the Shrub-In-Cheif's State of the Union speech last night, but somehow, I just don't have the energy. I find it impossible to listen to the man directly. Even reading the speech makes me want to put an icepick through my temple.
Let's just hit the high points.
"Our generation has been blessed -- by the expansion of opportunity, by advances in medicine, by the security purchased by our parents' sacrifice. Now, as we see a little gray in the mirror -- or a lot of gray -- (laughter) -- and we watch our children moving into adulthood..."
OMG! The chimp told a joke! Good monkey, you get a banana. And how about you quit squandering that security before your great grandkids will have to help pay it back?
"America's economy is the fastest growing of any major industrialized nation."
Sure, if you consider Wal-Mart to be our economy. And then only the people who run or own stock in Wal-Mart, because the workers sure as hell aren't involved in that growth. Their economy grows when the minimum wage goes up.
"In the past four years, we provided tax relief to every person who pays income taxes,"
Great. A $700 check that got deducted from the following year's tax refunds. Thanks. I'm sure that 5 months of interest was a real hardship.
"overcome a recession, opened up new markets abroad,"
Hate to tell ya, dude, but the recession is still going on, and you can say it's over all you want, it doesn't make it true. And those new markets? Sweatshop labor in China and outsourced tech workers in India, both bad for the part of the economy that doesn't have trust funds.
"prosecuted corporate criminals,"
Actually, he's right about this sinc... BWAHAHAHA I knew I couldn't say that with a straight face. Ken Lay's entire defense seems to hinge on the fact that the government's complaint was hard to read, and he'll STILL do a couple years in club Fed while all the workers whose retirement funds he destroyed work as Wal-Mart greeters. That's really prosecution at its finest.
"raised homeownership to its highest level in history,"
Define "highest level". Sure, if you take all the homes in the USA and multiply them by the average cost of a new house, the number is bigger than it was before. It's called "inflation", perhaps you've heard of it.
"and in the last year alone, the United States has added 2.3 million new jobs."
Wal-Mart, McDonalds and Best Buy, thank you for helping the ruling class make more money by treating your workers like tampons.
"Small business is the path of advancement, especially for women and minorities, so we must free small businesses from needless regulation and protect honest job-creators from junk lawsuits."
Psst, Mr.President, that should read "protect huge corrupt criminally irresponsible multinational corporations from actually paying for their mistakes."
"To keep our economy growing, we also need reliable supplies of affordable, environmentally responsible energy. "
I guarantee you he doesn't even know how to spell "environmentally responsible", and he for DAMN sure doesn't know what it means. He probably thinks it means that it doesn't make smoke come out of the back of your Benz too badly.
"...including safe, clean nuclear energy."
*BEEP* DOES NOT COMPUTE *BEEP*
Oh, wait, his buddies in the energy industry would LOVE to manage some pork barrel projects involving uranium. Nevermind.
"I urge Congress to pass legislation that makes America more secure and less dependent on foreign energy."
From the Wikipedia: "Lip service is the name of the situation in which someone complies with a certain obligation, or expectation, they have been subjected to, to the minimum possible extent."
"To build the prosperity of future generations, we must update institutions that were created to meet the needs of an earlier time."
Hmm, noncommittal positive-sounding modernization proposal... Wait for it...
"Year after year, Americans are burdened by an archaic, incoherent federal tax code. I've appointed a bipartisan panel to examine the tax code from top to bottom. And when their recommendations are delivered, you and I will work together to give this nation a tax code that is pro-growth, easy to understand, and fair to all."
*blerp* Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little. I'm allergic to hypocrisy. What he really means here is "my rich buddies pay too much in taxes, so I want to make it so it looks like they're paying their fair share, but you'll have to be a CPA to understand how they're not."
"Here's why the personal [social security] accounts are a better deal."
Did they just switch from the live feed to a time-share infomercial?
"And best of all, the money in the account is yours, and the government can never take it away. "
By "yours", they mean "totally controlled by the government" and by "take it away" they mean "we'll only redirect the interest to the federal government, the principal is yours to keep!" Here's what I'm talking about. They're calling it "benefit offset", but what it really is, is "the federal government making interest money off your savings." Doesn't sound like such a good deal to me.
"The goal here is greater security in retirement, so we will set careful guidelines for personal accounts. We'll make sure the money can only go into a conservative mix of bonds and stock funds."
... that my buddies manage.
"Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be re-defined by activist judges. For the good of families, children, and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage."
Translation: "Teh gheys are ruining the country with their "marriage" nonsense talk. Why do teh gheys hate America?" Also, it's interesting to note that this is probably the first time that a constitutional amendment that limits freedom for a specific minority has been considered.
"Because HIV/AIDS brings suffering and fear into so many lives, I ask you to reauthorize the Ryan White Act to encourage prevention, and provide care and treatment to the victims of that disease."
Well, geez, we were kind of hard on teh gheys, so I'll speak in code here and pretend to throw them a bone.
"And as we update this important law, we must focus our efforts on fellow citizens with the highest rates of new cases, African American men and women."
See? See? He DOESN'T hate black people. He even went so far as to use "AIDS bad" and "African American" in the same sentence. What a mind-blowing revelation. 'Scuse me while I pick my temporal lobe off the wall.
"In the three and a half years since September the 11th, 2001,"
I KNEW it! He couldn't get through a speech without mentioning 9/11! (Keeb, you owe me $20).
"Pursuing our enemies is a vital commitment of the war on terror -- and I thank the Congress for providing our servicemen and women with the resources they have needed."
I guess "kevlar vests" and "Humvee armor" aren't necessities, but optional extras.
"In the long-term, the peace we seek will only be achieved by eliminating the conditions that feed radicalism and ideologies of murder."
Code for "eliminating the radicalism of disagreeing with US policy."
"The United States has no right, no desire, and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else." followed quickly by "Our aim is to build and preserve a community of free and independent nations, with governments that answer to their citizens, and reflect their own cultures."
Ok, so that's "not imposing government" followed by "building a form of government we choose to allow them to have." How do these two statements get reconciled? Someone missed an edit.
"If whole regions of the world remain in despair and grow in hatred, they will be the recruiting grounds for terror, and that terror will stalk America and other free nations for decades."
Maybe we should stop bombing them, and they'll won't despair and hate us quite as much.
"America will stand with the allies of freedom to support democratic movements in the Middle East and beyond, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world."
The tyranny of disagreeing with us, for example.
"We will succeed because the Iraqi people value their own liberty -- as they showed the world last Sunday."
See? They sat, rolled over and played dead for us. ... what? they weren't playing? oops, my bad.
"Recently an Iraqi interpreter said to a reporter, "Tell America not to abandon us.""
Suuuuuuure they did. Must have been Fox.
I could go on like this all night, but frankly I've spent too much energy thinking about what he's said already. This is how I see the speech:
Foreign oil bad. Fixing it good. Real change bad. Inadequate, miracle-requiring alternative energy research good. Talking about fuel mileage bad. Social Security good, but getting bad. Individual accounts good. Health care bad. Making health care better good. Poverty bad. Marriage good. Teh ghey marriage bad. Cloning bad. Medical research, however, good. Activist judges bad. My activist judges good. 9/11 bad. First responders good. Pursuing enemies good. Defining enemies bad. Imposing our form of government bad. Imposing our form of government good. (Yeah, that gave me a migrane, too.) Palestinian democracy good. Palestinian terror bad. Middle Eastern allies good. Middle Eastern states not doing what we say, bad. Men and women in uniform good. Iraq insurgents bad. Iraqi democracy good. Iraq insurgents bad (again). Soldiers following my orders good. Parents of dead soldiers sitting quietly and doing what they're told good.
And somehow that got stretched into an hour. I think they pre-empted SVU for this nonsense. Personally I'd much rather hear a story about a serial child molester that kills his victim's parents than have to listen to the Moron in Cheif read off the teleprompter. Actually, I think I'd rather have my fingers ripped off. Oh, wait, I'd have to be "detained" in an eastern European "independent detention facility" to get that treatment. And when I say "detained" I mean "chained to the wall" and by "treatment" I mean "getting a car battery attached to my junk".
Enough. I'm so glad he's gone in 2008. I'm also hoping to $deity that the GOP gets their collective spotty white behinds handed to them in the mid-term elections.
While I'm at it, I'd like a pony.
Let's just hit the high points.
"Our generation has been blessed -- by the expansion of opportunity, by advances in medicine, by the security purchased by our parents' sacrifice. Now, as we see a little gray in the mirror -- or a lot of gray -- (laughter) -- and we watch our children moving into adulthood..."
OMG! The chimp told a joke! Good monkey, you get a banana. And how about you quit squandering that security before your great grandkids will have to help pay it back?
"America's economy is the fastest growing of any major industrialized nation."
Sure, if you consider Wal-Mart to be our economy. And then only the people who run or own stock in Wal-Mart, because the workers sure as hell aren't involved in that growth. Their economy grows when the minimum wage goes up.
"In the past four years, we provided tax relief to every person who pays income taxes,"
Great. A $700 check that got deducted from the following year's tax refunds. Thanks. I'm sure that 5 months of interest was a real hardship.
"overcome a recession, opened up new markets abroad,"
Hate to tell ya, dude, but the recession is still going on, and you can say it's over all you want, it doesn't make it true. And those new markets? Sweatshop labor in China and outsourced tech workers in India, both bad for the part of the economy that doesn't have trust funds.
"prosecuted corporate criminals,"
Actually, he's right about this sinc... BWAHAHAHA I knew I couldn't say that with a straight face. Ken Lay's entire defense seems to hinge on the fact that the government's complaint was hard to read, and he'll STILL do a couple years in club Fed while all the workers whose retirement funds he destroyed work as Wal-Mart greeters. That's really prosecution at its finest.
"raised homeownership to its highest level in history,"
Define "highest level". Sure, if you take all the homes in the USA and multiply them by the average cost of a new house, the number is bigger than it was before. It's called "inflation", perhaps you've heard of it.
"and in the last year alone, the United States has added 2.3 million new jobs."
Wal-Mart, McDonalds and Best Buy, thank you for helping the ruling class make more money by treating your workers like tampons.
"Small business is the path of advancement, especially for women and minorities, so we must free small businesses from needless regulation and protect honest job-creators from junk lawsuits."
Psst, Mr.President, that should read "protect huge corrupt criminally irresponsible multinational corporations from actually paying for their mistakes."
"To keep our economy growing, we also need reliable supplies of affordable, environmentally responsible energy. "
I guarantee you he doesn't even know how to spell "environmentally responsible", and he for DAMN sure doesn't know what it means. He probably thinks it means that it doesn't make smoke come out of the back of your Benz too badly.
"...including safe, clean nuclear energy."
*BEEP* DOES NOT COMPUTE *BEEP*
Oh, wait, his buddies in the energy industry would LOVE to manage some pork barrel projects involving uranium. Nevermind.
"I urge Congress to pass legislation that makes America more secure and less dependent on foreign energy."
From the Wikipedia: "Lip service is the name of the situation in which someone complies with a certain obligation, or expectation, they have been subjected to, to the minimum possible extent."
"To build the prosperity of future generations, we must update institutions that were created to meet the needs of an earlier time."
Hmm, noncommittal positive-sounding modernization proposal... Wait for it...
"Year after year, Americans are burdened by an archaic, incoherent federal tax code. I've appointed a bipartisan panel to examine the tax code from top to bottom. And when their recommendations are delivered, you and I will work together to give this nation a tax code that is pro-growth, easy to understand, and fair to all."
*blerp* Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little. I'm allergic to hypocrisy. What he really means here is "my rich buddies pay too much in taxes, so I want to make it so it looks like they're paying their fair share, but you'll have to be a CPA to understand how they're not."
"Here's why the personal [social security] accounts are a better deal."
Did they just switch from the live feed to a time-share infomercial?
"And best of all, the money in the account is yours, and the government can never take it away. "
By "yours", they mean "totally controlled by the government" and by "take it away" they mean "we'll only redirect the interest to the federal government, the principal is yours to keep!" Here's what I'm talking about. They're calling it "benefit offset", but what it really is, is "the federal government making interest money off your savings." Doesn't sound like such a good deal to me.
"The goal here is greater security in retirement, so we will set careful guidelines for personal accounts. We'll make sure the money can only go into a conservative mix of bonds and stock funds."
... that my buddies manage.
"Because marriage is a sacred institution and the foundation of society, it should not be re-defined by activist judges. For the good of families, children, and society, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage."
Translation: "Teh gheys are ruining the country with their "marriage" nonsense talk. Why do teh gheys hate America?" Also, it's interesting to note that this is probably the first time that a constitutional amendment that limits freedom for a specific minority has been considered.
"Because HIV/AIDS brings suffering and fear into so many lives, I ask you to reauthorize the Ryan White Act to encourage prevention, and provide care and treatment to the victims of that disease."
Well, geez, we were kind of hard on teh gheys, so I'll speak in code here and pretend to throw them a bone.
"And as we update this important law, we must focus our efforts on fellow citizens with the highest rates of new cases, African American men and women."
See? See? He DOESN'T hate black people. He even went so far as to use "AIDS bad" and "African American" in the same sentence. What a mind-blowing revelation. 'Scuse me while I pick my temporal lobe off the wall.
"In the three and a half years since September the 11th, 2001,"
I KNEW it! He couldn't get through a speech without mentioning 9/11! (Keeb, you owe me $20).
"Pursuing our enemies is a vital commitment of the war on terror -- and I thank the Congress for providing our servicemen and women with the resources they have needed."
I guess "kevlar vests" and "Humvee armor" aren't necessities, but optional extras.
"In the long-term, the peace we seek will only be achieved by eliminating the conditions that feed radicalism and ideologies of murder."
Code for "eliminating the radicalism of disagreeing with US policy."
"The United States has no right, no desire, and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else." followed quickly by "Our aim is to build and preserve a community of free and independent nations, with governments that answer to their citizens, and reflect their own cultures."
Ok, so that's "not imposing government" followed by "building a form of government we choose to allow them to have." How do these two statements get reconciled? Someone missed an edit.
"If whole regions of the world remain in despair and grow in hatred, they will be the recruiting grounds for terror, and that terror will stalk America and other free nations for decades."
Maybe we should stop bombing them, and they'll won't despair and hate us quite as much.
"America will stand with the allies of freedom to support democratic movements in the Middle East and beyond, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world."
The tyranny of disagreeing with us, for example.
"We will succeed because the Iraqi people value their own liberty -- as they showed the world last Sunday."
See? They sat, rolled over and played dead for us. ... what? they weren't playing? oops, my bad.
"Recently an Iraqi interpreter said to a reporter, "Tell America not to abandon us.""
Suuuuuuure they did. Must have been Fox.
I could go on like this all night, but frankly I've spent too much energy thinking about what he's said already. This is how I see the speech:
Foreign oil bad. Fixing it good. Real change bad. Inadequate, miracle-requiring alternative energy research good. Talking about fuel mileage bad. Social Security good, but getting bad. Individual accounts good. Health care bad. Making health care better good. Poverty bad. Marriage good. Teh ghey marriage bad. Cloning bad. Medical research, however, good. Activist judges bad. My activist judges good. 9/11 bad. First responders good. Pursuing enemies good. Defining enemies bad. Imposing our form of government bad. Imposing our form of government good. (Yeah, that gave me a migrane, too.) Palestinian democracy good. Palestinian terror bad. Middle Eastern allies good. Middle Eastern states not doing what we say, bad. Men and women in uniform good. Iraq insurgents bad. Iraqi democracy good. Iraq insurgents bad (again). Soldiers following my orders good. Parents of dead soldiers sitting quietly and doing what they're told good.
And somehow that got stretched into an hour. I think they pre-empted SVU for this nonsense. Personally I'd much rather hear a story about a serial child molester that kills his victim's parents than have to listen to the Moron in Cheif read off the teleprompter. Actually, I think I'd rather have my fingers ripped off. Oh, wait, I'd have to be "detained" in an eastern European "independent detention facility" to get that treatment. And when I say "detained" I mean "chained to the wall" and by "treatment" I mean "getting a car battery attached to my junk".
Enough. I'm so glad he's gone in 2008. I'm also hoping to $deity that the GOP gets their collective spotty white behinds handed to them in the mid-term elections.
While I'm at it, I'd like a pony.
posted by Zach Burnham at 8:58 PM (click for permalink)
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