Meet Mr. Annoying
(Note: I was holding back this post in anticipation of cross-pollinating with another blog. That fell through, so here you are.)
I've tried to be very careful about discussing my job in this forum, as I would not be the first blogger to get in hot water for something job-related that I said in my blog. (Apparently paying you for work you do on their behalf entitles employers to dictate to you what opinions you may or may not have. Fuck that, when I find myself in a situation where someone demands the right to tell me what to think, I try to figure out where I went wrong and how I can get out, not how I can satisfy their need for control.) I also don't talk about personal matters that could make me identifiable, either; the only way I feel safe expressing my opinions here is if I remain as anonymous as possible. (A sad testament to the state of personal expression in our culture.) The few people who do know who I am and that I write this blog are people that I feel I can trust and/or people who are not likely to be able to cause trouble for me.
(Some names and details below have been changed to protect the stupid.)
I currently work for an unnamed technology company. I support a non-specific number of users who operate computers. (Can you tell I'm NDA'd nine ways from Tuesday?) These users are hired through a temporary employment agency. Now I'm of the opinion that there are two kinds of people who work for temp agencies: people who just need a paycheck while they try to find a real job, and people who can't get a job anywhere else because of some deficiency (whether that is their not being able to work full-time for whatever reason, or social malajustment, or hygeine issues, or just basic stupidity.) We try to keep the people we get for a reasonably long length of time, as there's a fair amount of training and skill building that happens when we hire a new person. Unfortunately, that leads to a predominance of the second kind of temp worker in the environment.
Now most of these people are perfectly nice on a personal level. Some have issues with English as a second language, some have no concept of the fact that most people don't wear the exact same clothes every day (ick), but most of them work hard and try to do their best; it's just that the best they're capable of won't get them a regular job. We can't all be rocket scientists.
Then there's Mr. Annoying.
Mr. Annoying claims to be a retired educator, to speak several languages, and to generally be a well-rounded intelligent literate person. Any or all of these claims may be accurate; personally I've only heard him speak a smattering of Spanish (and hell, I've got that much) and I can't confirm or contradict the others. He is, however, quite possibly, the most gratingly annoying person I've ever met. He's not malicious about it (as far as I can tell; some of the things he does only seem possible through a conscious effort to be annoying, but I don't have any way of knowing for sure) but he sure is good at it.
An example: Every time he tells me about a technical problem he's having he says the exact same fucking thing every single fucking time. I swear I know exactly what he's going to say half a second after he starts talking. This wouldn't be annoying in and of itself; many of the other users I support do the same thing. But it's the way he does it - he says things like this and speaks excruciatingly slowly and overenunciates every syllable like he's giving the State of the fucking Union address. (Even W isn't as annoying to me as this guy; at least I can turn W off.) By the time he finishes a sentence I need a nap.
Another example: He'll come to me with a common issue, that requires no intervention on my part to correct. All of my users have been given the information about the issue and how to correct it. Not Mr. Annoying. He comes to me, describes this problem, and after my skin finishes crawling, I remind him of the solution to the issue. He then says to me "I've never heard that before," despite the fact that it's the 2nd time THAT FUCKING DAY he's come to me with it. You can train a reasonably intelligent rabbit "when A happens, do B". He either refuses to learn or is incapable of it.
More fun: Where I am, there is cold weather and snow in the winter months. Snow tends to be slick. People commonly wear boots, hats, scarves and mittens when they go outside, with the amount of bundling up proportional to the length of time they're likely to be outside. (In other words, if I'm running out to the car for something, I'll put on my coat but not the hat and mittens and boots. If I were to be walking the dog, I'd put on everything.) Again, not Mr. Annoying. The man bundles up like fucking Nanook of the North to walk the one hundred fucking feet to where his car is parked. (This is especially annoying when I'm waiting for him to leave, on days when I'm locking up. I can't leave until he does.) And as a bonus, as he's walking down the shallow slope that leads from the door to the parking area (which is covered with coarse crushed stone for traction, under the snow) he turns sideways and takes 4 inch crabwalk steps down the slope. If the man was that afraid of slipping and falling, he could take the dry, salted, sanded, paved path ten fucking feet to the right that leads to the same area by a (slightly) more roundabout route. He's basically determined what the most annoying thing he could do is in that situation and done it as annoyingly as possible.
Oh and something else that happened only the one time: Where we are it's a bit of a walk to use the restroom. It's the end of the day and I've waited (mostly) patiently for Mr. Annoying to pack up the assorted pillows he straps to the (extremely expensive and comfortable) ergonomic chair he's been provided with, put on his HAZMAT gear (gee, it's 45 outside, better put on the wetsuit) and make his way out the door. He heads for the bathroom (which is in the opposite direction from the door) and I realize "Oh shit, if I want to use the bathroom sometime this afternoon I better beat him there, as there's only the one stall." So I walk out behind him, easily catching up to him in the hall (as he walks slightly slower than an arthritic three-toed sloth.) Mr. Annoying then picks THAT EXACT FUCKING MOMENT to notice that the zipper on his lunch bag isn't closed. Most people would keep walking and zip it up as they went, or if they had stuff in their hands, maybe put something down. Nope. He stops short, puts EVERYTHING down (which takes about 5 seconds) JUST in time to be EXACTLY in my way. I practically tripped over my own feet avoiding his annoying ass. So, I managed to get to the bathroom first while he was reassembling himself, and while I was in there I heard the door to the women's restroom close. (Since each restroom is only a single stall, it's common practice to just use whatever restroom is available, no matter what gender's on the door.) So he's in there, and knowing him as I do, I know he's going to be in there for at least ten minutes. But this time I managed to get a little revenge; I went back down the hall to where we work, and locked the door behind me (as I have to each day). The net effect was that he had to walk down the hall, find the door to be locked, walk back up the hall, out the front door, and all the way down the length of the building to get to his car. Score one for the good guys.
Then there's his car! By all observable facts, the car is a reasonably recent model sedan, apparently in good repair. However, upon further examination, as the car is in motion, it appears that there is a leprous badger running on a wheel under the hood, as he is incapable of driving the car at a reasonable road-safe speed. He brakes for a gentle curve in the road, at the crown of a hill, before a manhole cover.... Basically, think about the way your Driver's Ed teacher drove, and then multiply that by 5 and subtract half the speed. I do everything I can to leave before he does when I'm able, because he and I take the same route to get to the main road, and if I get stuck behind him, it adds 10 minutes to my drive home, and 30 points to my blood pressure. Seriously, I've had old men wearing hats driving enormous American sedans (widely known to be the most dangerous and infuriating sub species of Americanus Drivelikeapussius observed to date) tailgate me because I'm following this guy.
He's also the guy who always has some retarded-ass question to ask at the end of a staff meeting which is either of completely no consequence or has already been answered, either in this very meeting or previously. Yeah, THAT guy.
The worst thing? He's one of the best workers we've got. So I'm stuck with him. And it's not like I have a legitimate reason to have him fired (which is theoretically within my ability); being annoying isn't a firable offense.
See how I suffer? I SUFFER.
And I swear by anything you might consider to be worth swearing by that I am not making any of this up. The facts are all presented as accurately as I am able to present them. (The Annoy Event Horizon that forms around him will occasionally distort a perception or two. Think of the Reality Distortion Field that Steve Jobs is famous for, only not.)
I've tried to be very careful about discussing my job in this forum, as I would not be the first blogger to get in hot water for something job-related that I said in my blog. (Apparently paying you for work you do on their behalf entitles employers to dictate to you what opinions you may or may not have. Fuck that, when I find myself in a situation where someone demands the right to tell me what to think, I try to figure out where I went wrong and how I can get out, not how I can satisfy their need for control.) I also don't talk about personal matters that could make me identifiable, either; the only way I feel safe expressing my opinions here is if I remain as anonymous as possible. (A sad testament to the state of personal expression in our culture.) The few people who do know who I am and that I write this blog are people that I feel I can trust and/or people who are not likely to be able to cause trouble for me.
(Some names and details below have been changed to protect the stupid.)
I currently work for an unnamed technology company. I support a non-specific number of users who operate computers. (Can you tell I'm NDA'd nine ways from Tuesday?) These users are hired through a temporary employment agency. Now I'm of the opinion that there are two kinds of people who work for temp agencies: people who just need a paycheck while they try to find a real job, and people who can't get a job anywhere else because of some deficiency (whether that is their not being able to work full-time for whatever reason, or social malajustment, or hygeine issues, or just basic stupidity.) We try to keep the people we get for a reasonably long length of time, as there's a fair amount of training and skill building that happens when we hire a new person. Unfortunately, that leads to a predominance of the second kind of temp worker in the environment.
Now most of these people are perfectly nice on a personal level. Some have issues with English as a second language, some have no concept of the fact that most people don't wear the exact same clothes every day (ick), but most of them work hard and try to do their best; it's just that the best they're capable of won't get them a regular job. We can't all be rocket scientists.
Then there's Mr. Annoying.
Mr. Annoying claims to be a retired educator, to speak several languages, and to generally be a well-rounded intelligent literate person. Any or all of these claims may be accurate; personally I've only heard him speak a smattering of Spanish (and hell, I've got that much) and I can't confirm or contradict the others. He is, however, quite possibly, the most gratingly annoying person I've ever met. He's not malicious about it (as far as I can tell; some of the things he does only seem possible through a conscious effort to be annoying, but I don't have any way of knowing for sure) but he sure is good at it.
An example: Every time he tells me about a technical problem he's having he says the exact same fucking thing every single fucking time. I swear I know exactly what he's going to say half a second after he starts talking. This wouldn't be annoying in and of itself; many of the other users I support do the same thing. But it's the way he does it - he says things like this and speaks excruciatingly slowly and overenunciates every syllable like he's giving the State of the fucking Union address. (Even W isn't as annoying to me as this guy; at least I can turn W off.) By the time he finishes a sentence I need a nap.
Another example: He'll come to me with a common issue, that requires no intervention on my part to correct. All of my users have been given the information about the issue and how to correct it. Not Mr. Annoying. He comes to me, describes this problem, and after my skin finishes crawling, I remind him of the solution to the issue. He then says to me "I've never heard that before," despite the fact that it's the 2nd time THAT FUCKING DAY he's come to me with it. You can train a reasonably intelligent rabbit "when A happens, do B". He either refuses to learn or is incapable of it.
More fun: Where I am, there is cold weather and snow in the winter months. Snow tends to be slick. People commonly wear boots, hats, scarves and mittens when they go outside, with the amount of bundling up proportional to the length of time they're likely to be outside. (In other words, if I'm running out to the car for something, I'll put on my coat but not the hat and mittens and boots. If I were to be walking the dog, I'd put on everything.) Again, not Mr. Annoying. The man bundles up like fucking Nanook of the North to walk the one hundred fucking feet to where his car is parked. (This is especially annoying when I'm waiting for him to leave, on days when I'm locking up. I can't leave until he does.) And as a bonus, as he's walking down the shallow slope that leads from the door to the parking area (which is covered with coarse crushed stone for traction, under the snow) he turns sideways and takes 4 inch crabwalk steps down the slope. If the man was that afraid of slipping and falling, he could take the dry, salted, sanded, paved path ten fucking feet to the right that leads to the same area by a (slightly) more roundabout route. He's basically determined what the most annoying thing he could do is in that situation and done it as annoyingly as possible.
Oh and something else that happened only the one time: Where we are it's a bit of a walk to use the restroom. It's the end of the day and I've waited (mostly) patiently for Mr. Annoying to pack up the assorted pillows he straps to the (extremely expensive and comfortable) ergonomic chair he's been provided with, put on his HAZMAT gear (gee, it's 45 outside, better put on the wetsuit) and make his way out the door. He heads for the bathroom (which is in the opposite direction from the door) and I realize "Oh shit, if I want to use the bathroom sometime this afternoon I better beat him there, as there's only the one stall." So I walk out behind him, easily catching up to him in the hall (as he walks slightly slower than an arthritic three-toed sloth.) Mr. Annoying then picks THAT EXACT FUCKING MOMENT to notice that the zipper on his lunch bag isn't closed. Most people would keep walking and zip it up as they went, or if they had stuff in their hands, maybe put something down. Nope. He stops short, puts EVERYTHING down (which takes about 5 seconds) JUST in time to be EXACTLY in my way. I practically tripped over my own feet avoiding his annoying ass. So, I managed to get to the bathroom first while he was reassembling himself, and while I was in there I heard the door to the women's restroom close. (Since each restroom is only a single stall, it's common practice to just use whatever restroom is available, no matter what gender's on the door.) So he's in there, and knowing him as I do, I know he's going to be in there for at least ten minutes. But this time I managed to get a little revenge; I went back down the hall to where we work, and locked the door behind me (as I have to each day). The net effect was that he had to walk down the hall, find the door to be locked, walk back up the hall, out the front door, and all the way down the length of the building to get to his car. Score one for the good guys.
Then there's his car! By all observable facts, the car is a reasonably recent model sedan, apparently in good repair. However, upon further examination, as the car is in motion, it appears that there is a leprous badger running on a wheel under the hood, as he is incapable of driving the car at a reasonable road-safe speed. He brakes for a gentle curve in the road, at the crown of a hill, before a manhole cover.... Basically, think about the way your Driver's Ed teacher drove, and then multiply that by 5 and subtract half the speed. I do everything I can to leave before he does when I'm able, because he and I take the same route to get to the main road, and if I get stuck behind him, it adds 10 minutes to my drive home, and 30 points to my blood pressure. Seriously, I've had old men wearing hats driving enormous American sedans (widely known to be the most dangerous and infuriating sub species of Americanus Drivelikeapussius observed to date) tailgate me because I'm following this guy.
He's also the guy who always has some retarded-ass question to ask at the end of a staff meeting which is either of completely no consequence or has already been answered, either in this very meeting or previously. Yeah, THAT guy.
The worst thing? He's one of the best workers we've got. So I'm stuck with him. And it's not like I have a legitimate reason to have him fired (which is theoretically within my ability); being annoying isn't a firable offense.
See how I suffer? I SUFFER.
And I swear by anything you might consider to be worth swearing by that I am not making any of this up. The facts are all presented as accurately as I am able to present them. (The Annoy Event Horizon that forms around him will occasionally distort a perception or two. Think of the Reality Distortion Field that Steve Jobs is famous for, only not.)
posted by Zach Burnham at 8:39 PM (click for permalink)
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